How To Be Chinese - Cars

02 – Cars

Hi, I’m Chris, and welcome to another episode of: 好土逼柴尼斯!

This time, it’s about CARS!

Now that you’re Chinese, having a car is really not optional. You feel like everybody has a car, so you should get one too!

But which one?

Say you have only limited funds: get a Chinese brand!

If you have some money, get a Korean one.

You can choose to buy a Japanese car, too. However, if you do that, make sure to stay aware of the political situation, and park it in a garage accordingly.

Once you have enough money, get a German car.

Speaking of money, let’s assume you’re in the government for a second. Depending on your rank, a pitch black Audi A6 or A8 will be your ride of choice (because “A” apparently stands for AWESOME). Also, your plates will theoretically indicate the level of your awesomeness.

Here is where it gets tricky though: because if you’re really high up in the pecking order, you’re once again stuck with a Chinese car - Hongqi, the “Red Flag”. Totally made in China!

Um, excuse me, I appreciate you buying the good German Autos, but the way you drive, you should really consider getting a Hummer. Or better yet, a Panzer!

Yeah, tanks, well. Kinda sensitive topic…

But getting a Hummer sounds like a great idea! In fact, you should get a bunch of them. Your wife - put her in a Hummer! Your daughter - give her a Hummer too! Just imagine, all those crazy drivers on the road - no problem anymore! You now have the power to waste them!

And don’t forget the other perks of owning a car!

Like: being able to honk the horn! To you, this is the most natural thing ever: you honk, therefore you exist. And yet again, if you’re in the government, even your honking sounds so much more awesome than everybody else’s.

Another perk: having fresh air! Even if the city is totally jammed up and the way to work takes twice as long in your car, it’s still absolutely worth it. Because to you as a Chinese, a car also works as a portable air-conditioner. Just imagine having to breathe the air outside - so terrible!

And another cool thing about owning a car: you can personalize the interior! Get a bunch of pillows and put them in the back seat. Get a Buddha or a Mao and put him on the dashboard. Grab some more pillows. Put covers on the steering wheel and on the seats. Also, cover the sun shields. And while you’re at it, make sure to get some more pillows!

Congratulations, you’re now a fresh-air-breathing, Hummer-fantasizing, car-interior-decorating Chinese, and you’re AWESOME!

[accordion initial='0'] [accordion_item title='Cultural References'] [list style='regular']
[list_item]00:10 - Hyundai booth at a Chinese motor show.[/list_item]
[list_item]00:22 + 02:05 + 02:32 - Wei Zheng (韦正) - "iPartment"《爱情公寓》(TV series, 2010-).[/list_item]
[list_item]00:26 - Five Mao note.[/list_item]
[list_item]00:28 + 00:33 + 00:37 + 00:52 + 01:04 - popular web car program "Fat Dude Trying Out Cars"《胖哥试车》 (online show, 2005-).[/list_item]
[list_item]00:45 - Anti-Japanese riots in Shenzhen in 2012.[/list_item]
[list_item]00:46 - Anti-Japanese riots in Xi'an in 2012.[/list_item]
[list_item]00:58 - Emblem of the Communist Party of China. The sound you are hearing is the word "Party" (党), sung by Mao Zedong's grandson Mao Xinyu (毛新宇) in the song "The East Is Red"《东方红》.[/list_item]
[list_item]01:11 - Llama.[/list_item]
[list_item]01:17 - TV host Ma Zhihai (马志海) in his TVS1 (南方经济频道) show "Advice In Hindsight"《马后炮》(TV show, 2012-), talking about an official who got involved in a traffic accident and then covered up his military license plate with tree leaves.[/list_item]
[list_item]01:27 - Former President of the People's Republic Of China Hu Jintao (胡锦涛) at the National Day Military Parade (国庆阅兵) in 2009.[/list_item]
[list_item]01:45 - Toy tank for sale on Taobao (淘宝).[/list_item]
[list_item]01:50 - Lei Bingxia (雷炳侠), mother of Gan Lulu (干露露).[/list_item]
[list_item]01:53 - Gan Lulu (干露露), internet star known for taking her clothes off.[/list_item]
[list_item]01:55 - Guo Meimei (郭美美), famous concubine of a businessman from Shenzhen who was involved in a scandal with the Red Cross Society Of China.[/list_item]
[list_item]01:58 - Zhao Hongxia (赵红霞), concubine of former offical Lei Zhengfu (雷政富), who got sentenced to prison on corruption charges in 2013.[/list_item]
[list_item]01:59 - Shen Jilan (申纪兰), member of the National People's Congress (全国人民代表大会) who is known for "never voting against anything" ("从不投反对票").[/list_item]
[list_item]02:01 - Zhou Yongkang (周永康), former Politburo Standing Committee member and the PRC's highest official to ever get locked up for corruption.[/list_item]
[list_item]02:10 - Compilation "A Part Of The Traffic Accidents On Campus Since 2006"《2006年以来部分校内交通事故》.[/list_item]
[list_item]02:27 - "Real Footage Of Guy On Motorbike Hitting Multiple Vehicles And Then Plunging Into Deep Well"《实拍男子骑摩托车连撞多车后掉进深井》.[/list_item]
[list_item]02:45 - René Descartes.[/list_item]
[list_item]02:52 - Clairol (伊卡璐), popular brand of air fresheners in China.[/list_item]
[list_item]02:59 - "Big Traffic Jam In Beijing On October First - You Can't Even See The Sides!"《十月一北京大堵车看不见边!》. This must have been filmed at one of the major toll gates.[/list_item]
[list_item]03:09 - "The Center And The East Of China Are Sinking Into Heavy Smog"《中国中部东部陷入严重雾霾》. This video is set to the popular online song "Song Of The Llama"《草泥马之歌》.[/list_item]
[list_item]03:17 - Jiang Wen (姜文) - "Let The Bullets Fly"《让子弹飞》(movie, 2010). This is an excerpt from the Sichuanese version of the film.[/list_item]
[list_item]03:34 - Han Han (韩寒) - "The Continent"《后会无期》(2014).[/list_item]
[list_item]03:37 - Luo Yonghao (罗永浩) - "Little Ma"《小马》(2011). This short film was part of the web series "One Step Away"《幸福56厘米》.[/list_item]
[/list]
[/accordion_item]
[accordion_item title='Moxie'] [list style='regular']
[list_item]04:12 - There are a lot of car manufacturers in China, at least more than 100. I tried to find out the major ones, and I got to the number 48. Give or Take.[/list_item]
[list_item]04:22 - This is a very conservative estimate. Bloomberg tells us that China had 240 million motorized vehicles by the end of 2012, and that they are adding 20 million each year. So the actual number of cars in 2014 could be close to 300 million.[/list_item]
[list_item]04:35 - The People's Daily (人民日报) reported the number of 200,000 traffic-related deaths in China in August 2013.[/list_item]
[list_item]04:45 - Only the Chinese Custums Bureau knows the total amount of Hummers that have been imported to China. Car dealers speak of sales of up to several hundred cars in the top-tier cities, but they are very rare in the rest of the country.[/list_item]
[list_item]04:56 - It has been said that the birth of the Hummer brand was sparked by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, the death of the Hummer brand was caused by the global financial crisis of 2008. People apparently didn't want to drive huge oil-guzzling armored vehicles anymore. In 2009, General Motors tried to sell the Hummer brand to the Chinese car manufacturer Sichuan Tengzhong (四川腾中), but the deal failed. And the Hummer went into oblivion.[/list_item]
[/list] [/accordion_item]
[accordion_item title='Additional Information'] [list style='regular']
[list_item]The blue background used on some of the inserts is an enhanced version of the CCTV1 news bulletin on June 4th 1989.[/list_item]
[list_item]The emoticons are part of a popular set of QQ icons.[/list_item]
[list_item]- Other sounds and Images are a) private or b) properly licensed through Envato, Depositphotos or Premiumbeat or c) belong to the public domain (except for the cut-outs of Chinese celebrity heads).[/list_item]
[list_item]Licensed music at 02:10 is: Trashtacos - "Extreme Speed Metal Burst 1" (Envato).[/list_item]
[list_item]Licensed music at 03:46 is: Sonolabs - "Reggaeton - Remember" (Envato).[/list_item]
[list_item]Drawings of my face by Jia Meng: http://lartdejiameng.blogspot.com[/list_item]
[list_item]Glasses are from my dad. :)[/list_item]
[list_item]The infamous Censorship Llama strikes at 03:12 and at 04:49![/list_item] [/list]
[/accordion_item] [/accordion]

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